


A Family That Kills Together, Stays Together

by TDScribo



Series: Hisoillu Fam [3]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Alternate Universe - Post-Canon, Assassin Family, Canon-Typical Violence, Established Relationship, Family Gatherings, Happy Murder Family, Hisoillu Twins, Hisoka doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing, Illumi was born for this, M/M, Married Couple, Mild Blood, Multi, Murder Husbands, Parenthood, Post-Dark Continent Arc, Protective Siblings, Sibling Rivalry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-26
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:48:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27208414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TDScribo/pseuds/TDScribo
Summary: After the events on the Black Whale, Hisoka and Illumi decide to build a mansion and start their own family of assassins to carry out nefarious jobs.OrWho the hell thought it was a good idea to let two murderous psychos raise children?
Relationships: Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck, Hisoka/Illumi Zoldyck, Kurapika/Leorio Paladiknight
Series: Hisoillu Fam [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1957978
Comments: 23
Kudos: 198





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! Just as promised here’s a whole collection revolving around Hisoillu and their two murder kids. There will be cameos of the main four, the Zoldycks and many more to come. For now this is just a short introduction, but I promise Hisoillu will appear in the next chapter.

Looking at the looming gothic structure that sat atop the mountainside, like some grand opening sequence of a big budget horror movie, the thief gulped as he proceeded to climb the rocky path up the mountains.

He had heard stories of the fearsome people who live in that mansion; ones who didn’t fear death and reveled in the chaos and destruction they brought on with their killing sprees. The eldest Zoldyck had surely lived up to the reputation of his family name. Their mansion was a lot larger than this one but for some reason it didn’t deter tourists from flying in to catch a glimpse of the towering testing gates that guarded the establishment. This one was no different; located at the edge of a small town in North Azia, the monument had quickly garnered local curiosity, but only for a short while. As they often found those who ventured too close would either end up mangled corpses with pins and playing cards sticking out of them, or too terrified to sleep because of the horrors they witnessed. 

Or at least that’s what he heard.

As he approached the large bronze testing gates, almost identical to its parent on Kukoroo Mountain, he unfurled the rope and grappling hook that would take him up and over the wall in no time.

He had been careful to make sure the patrons of the manor had left for work, no doubt off killing some poor soul who they happened to be assigned to kill. The place should be empty by now, initiating the perfect time for his heist.

He trudged through the thick expanse of forest separating the gates from the actual manor. Every few steps, he would find splatters of blood or a dead animal somewhere along the line. It made him sick to his stomach to think such gruesome beings called this place home.

Once he reached the main entrance, he waited for the butlers to take their leave before sneaking around it and letting himself in through the front door.

The inside was quaint and a bit more refined than he expected. The person who decorated it surely had a unique sense of style but nevertheless, was very particular about the objects they chose.

The floors were obsidian gray tiles that led up to a longer hallway with black candles lining up the deep purple walls. Even with the sunlight streaming through the glass ceiling and the vines surrounding it, the room seemed to be dark and devoid of warmth regardless of the time of day.

The thief crept slowly through the main hallway, through the living room, past the kitchen and towards several areas of the ground floor. Examining items and taking the ones worth stealing, making quick work of cleaning up his tracks.

He settled on a bejeweled Qhian dynasty vase that would be worth millions in the black market, once he got what he wanted he was quickly forming an escape plan in his mind.

“Whatcha doing?”

The man nearly had whiplash when he saw a mop of black hair emerge from the long elaborate purple sofa he passed by just a few seconds ago.

His informant had said the house would be empty... so why was there a kid here.

He pulled out his pocket knife in a feeble attempt to appear menacing.

The boy didn’t seem fazed. He just continued to smile at the thief with an amused glint in his sharp golden eyes. As if he was the only source of entertainment around.

“Don’t worry, I won’t bite. As you can see, I can’t attack you even if I wanted to.” He held up his arms for inspection

His left arm was in a cast, littered with marker drawings of stick figures and smiley faces. Judging from the black permanent marker he was holding, he drew them on himself.

The man didn’t brandish him with an answer, though he noticed that he was still holding the jeweled vase he stole from the sitting area. The boy noticed it too.

“I see you’ve been to the foyer.”

He yawned and stretched his hands beneath his head “You know, if you wanted to steal something, you should’ve gone straight to the attic. That’s where we keep all the useless junk.”

The man blinked. He still didn’t know what to make of this strange boy.

“Gold, jewels, cursed trinkets, you name it. It’s all upstairs in the attic. Fourth floor, second door to the right from the stairwell.”

He started to walk away, picking up a lone deck of cards from the coffee table and inspected the insides.

“They won’t miss anything, they hardly ever notice when I take stuff from there anyway.” he said.

“Why are you helping me?” the thief finally spoke, bewildered by the odd turn of events.

“Because I’m bored.” he shrugged simply “And you seem like a pretty cool guy.”


	2. Elevator Puns and Pastelini’s Chicken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A glimpse into the family dynamic while on one of their jobs.

The job was fairly simple: dispose of the security guards stationed around the facility, disable the cams, and let the grown-ups take care of the target.

Ochre Tower was one of the easiest venues they had to infiltrate, even without Milluki’s help, the leader of the Phantom Troupe could walk in and no one would bat an eye.

But of course they had to keep a low profile, wouldn’t want their clients to think they were getting sloppy.

Shiyomi stood at the edge of the window sill, carefully counting the seconds it would take for Toshi to lure the guards into the room.

Once she found an opening, she disposed of them in one fell swoop; launching seven razor sharp knives in all directions before pulling them back with ease. Impaling each and every one of them to make sure they were really dead, before pulling the knives out and placing them back into her pouch.

Standing in the middle of a mess of bloody corpses, she placed her phone up to her ear.

“We’ve cleared levels 3 to 5, the 6th floor should be empty by now.” she said into the communicator

“Excellent,” she could almost see her dad’s smile widening “Get your brother and wait in the car.”

“But what do I do with-“

Shiyomi sensed the bullet before it got within range of her, turning around she expanded her en to envelop her in a magnetic field that changed the bullet’s course, firing back at the guard that appeared from behind the doorway. 

The guard avoided it in time, brandishing his tommy gun ready to fire more shots.

“You fucking bitch! I’m gonna-“ he stopped mid-sentence, his body contracting in pain before he fell to the ground in a bloody mess, playing cards sticking out from his jugular.

“Sorry, I must’ve missed that one.” said Toshi, appearing behind the man with his trusty deck in hand.

“Hardly, you just wanted to give him a fighting shot. What have I told you about leaving traces?”

Toshi bent down to pick up the bloody cards still attached to the man “He was already half-dead when he got to you anyway, no harm in playing with the dead.” 

Shiyomi groaned “Honestly brother, you have got to rid yourself of this habit. It’s troublesome.” 

“Dad doesn’t think so.”

“Well Dad doesn’t know any better.” she retorted.

Toshi narrowed his eyes at his sibling

“You’re no saint either, your kills are hardly ever clean or witness-free.” 

Shiyomi wasn’t paying him much heed, opting to send a text confirming the abrupt phone call ending “Yes but at least I know when to draw the line. I only kill when there’s a reason to. It is after all, part of the job description.”

Toshi nodded, already becoming disinterested in the conversation

“Well did you find the hidden bug cameras?” she asked

“I took down the last 3, there’s another hidden inside that thing but I couldn’t get close enough to dismantle it.” he pointed at the horrendous disfigured sculpture of a gaping-mouthed frog hanging from the ceiling

“May I?” her black eyes zeroed in on a piece of lead keeping the ornament suspended in air

“Be my guest.” 

Shiyomi pulled the lead wires down, smashing the plasticine frog in the process. She fished out the almost-nano sized camera out of its mouth and crushed it.

“How did you dispose of that guard standing by the one near the elevator?”

Toshi smiled in glee, his golden eyes looking sharper in the light. “He was blocking my aim so... he had to take the fall for it.” 

“Stop, your puns are worse than your card tricks.” Shiyomi muttered

“So what’s next?” he asked

“Dad told us to go wait in the car.”

Toshi scoffed “And let them have all the fun? As if.” 

Shiyomi glared at him “Don’t start with that, we’re not equipped to handle this one. The reports say he’s a specialist who can raise an army of skeleton people to fight for him.”

“Wouldn’t it be easier for us to just climb up and kill him right away?” 

“No, Dad told us to wait in the car. So we’ll wait in the car.” she replied sternly

“You’re no fun,” he pouted.

Shiyomi shook her head “You have a very warped definition of fun you know that?” 

He chuckled “I’m aware.”

Brother and sister left the floor in shambles, with bodies strewn all over the corridor and glass doors broken through. But at least the rest of the building was fine. 

-/-

Illumi Zoldyck stood in front of the sleek black Mercedes they had rented just for the occasion. Silently waiting for his partner in crime to emerge from the house so they could drive to the pinpoint location Milluki sent them for this particular job.

Just as he was about to go back in and fetch him, said partner was already walking up to him in a pair of pointed heels.

“You certainly took your time.” Illumi quipped

“Terribly sorry darling, it’s these pesky grays.” he sighed dramatically, running a hand through his now pink hair. Illumi remembered it was blue before then. “It takes hours to dye them to match the rest of my hair.” 

“That’s what old age does, there’s no point in avoiding the side effects.” he opened the car door and slid into the driver’s seat. Hisoka slipped into the seat next to him.

“You’re just saying that because you don’t have any,” Hisoka huffed, side-eyeing his husband who - at least in his opinion - stopped aging after 28, despite already being in his early forties.

“But then again, if you did start going gray, you wouldn’t be complaining.” he remarked “You’d enjoy having hair like your father’s wouldn’t you?”

Illumi didn’t reply, though Hisoka always took his silences as affirmation. He stepped on the gas pedal and off they went.

When they got to the scene in question, they were met with a torn-up office floor with bodies strewn all over the place.

Illumi sighed “Guess we’ll need to take care of this mess, how many times have I told them to keep things clean and practical?”

“What can I say? They obviously take after me.” 

“I thought Shiyo would at least have the common sense to clean up after, apparently not.” he wrinkled his nose in disgust as one of the guard’s head was dripping into a pool of blood.

“Worry about that later, I sense someone wielding nen upstairs.” said Hisoka

“That must be our target.” Illumi brandished four pins that he grasped in his hand, forming a fist.

Hisoka giggled in anticipation, it’s been awhile since he got the chance to fight a skilled nen user, much less a specialist.

They stepped into the elevator.

“Would you at least try to spare the theatrics?” asked Illumi

“I make no promises dear,” Hisoka grinned, cards at the ready.

They found their target -world-renowned politician turned scammer, Saul Nakamura- standing amidst a sea of skeletal soldiers holding all sorts of sharp weapons.

“Guess they finally sent someone to kill me,” his voice boomed “I won’t make it easy for you though.”

“God I hate the talkative ones,” Hisoka complained aloud, before extending his bungee gum at one of the skeletons pulling him towards a whole flock, intent on knocking them over. His attack backfired when they somehow merged into a larger soldier made of bones.

“Oh now that’s interesting,” he remarked, taken aback but also brewing with anticipation of a challenge.

The two murders nodded in mutual understanding, already agreeing to the plan set in motion. Hisoka would deal with the undead army while Illumi went for the target.

The dark haired assassin swiftly maneuvered his way through the horde of skeleton soldiers and towards Nakamura, whose only defence was backing away slowly while raising more skeleton from the ground.

Illumi had Nakamura cornered, pining him down by the sleeves of his blazer and throwing each soldier that popped up from the ground into the fray behind him

Once it seemed like he had run out of willpower to conjure up more undead soldiers, Illumi extended his clawed hand and reached into Saul’s ribs to pull his still beating hurt out and crush it faster than the poor man could blink.

Disposing of the man in question proved to be easy, his nen after death was another story.

Hisoka dodged a flying skull thrown his way and proceeded to cut through the soldiers like weeds, only to have them sprout back up again as they reassembled each time they were knocked down. The magician began to feel frustrated by the seemingly endless number of attackers.

With the job done, Illumi threw himself into the fray

“These things are tougher than they look,” said Hisoka, cracking the ribs of several soldiers at once

“I told you not to take them lightly,” replied Illumi

“Yeah, yeah,” Hisoka waved his hand dismissively “On your left.”

Illumi narrowly avoided a table thrown his way by one of the larger skeletons. 

“They should stop moving at some point right? Their master is already dead.” 

“I highly doubt that, nen after death can be just as effective and long lasting.” 

“Speaking from experience?”

“Of course.” Hisoka extended his bungee gum towards incoming soldiers and threw them against the walls, rendering them stuck

“Where do you want to eat out tonight?” 

“Anywhere is fine, but definitely not Pastelini’s.” said Illumi, kicking a skeleton in the shin.

“What’s wrong with Pastelini’s?” asked Hisoka

“Remember when we took the children out to eat there last week? Their chicken a la king was served dry and flavorless.” Illumi complained.

Before Hisoka could reply, one of the soldiers had lunged at him with a stapler which he countered with a card. “You should have ordered the Alfredo, that’s their specialty.” 

“Whatever, I’m in the mood to try something a little more... festive.” 

The skeletons were starting to lose coherence in their movements, almost as if they were powering down. That made it easier for Hisoka to stick them to the walls. Once the last of them had been subdued, they left the skeletons to writhe and struggle in the patches of Hisoka’s nen.

The two stepped into the elevator

“What about that new hot wings that just opened up in Yorknew a couple weeks ago?” 

Illumi shot him a pointed stare “I said festive, not tacky.”

“Oh but Toshi loves chicken wings, and Shiyomi loves anything spicy. Wouldn’t it be nice to treat them once in awhile?”

“Fine...” Illumi relented, cleaning off the last bits of bone fractures from his clothes.

They left the now empty building and found their car at the side of the road just where they left it.

Illumi gripped the steering wheel “Did you forget to pay the electricity bill this month? It is your turn after all.”

“No, no. I distinctly remember that it is your turn this time, dear. Surely you keep track of these sort of things.” said Hisoka, leaning his head against the window frame.

“Is it? Huh. I don’t recall anything like that.” 

“Honestly Illu, if it weren’t for me you’d still be living through mommy and daddy zoldyck’s family dime.” he teased

“If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t have learnt to file your taxes.”

“Hmm, touché.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Funfact: I based Toshi and Shiyomi’s interaction in this chapter off the beginning of Illumi and Hisoka’s first scene together in the Hunter Exam when they were collecting badges. Sans the hole digging.
> 
> Also bonus points if anyone can guess what Shiyomi’s hatsu is like


	3. A Typical Sunday Brunch (for some, not for others)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter shows their family brunch at the Hot Wings joint in York New post-murder, and a deeper look into the family’s inner workings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, sorry for taking so long to update. I was hit with a bout of writer’s block but I’m all better now. Hopefully I can update more frequently from now on.

“That took longer than expected.” said Shiyomi.

“We would’ve gotten out on time if someone hadn’t left a mess on floor six.” Illumi deadpanned.

Toshi cringed at his father’s blunt reply, _ouch_!  
He and Shiyomi squeezed into the backseat of the car.

“I thought you’d know better by now.”

“Sorry father,” said Shiyomi ruefully, glancing at Toshi who stared out the window unfazed. She -rather promptly- elbowed her brother in the ribs.

He turned his head and smiled mockingly “It’s okay Shiyomi, we forgive you.”

She shot him a deadly glare, clearly not appreciating his sense of humor. Even Hisoka directed his challenging gaze at his son from the front seat.

Toshi sighed, “We’re sorry, it won’t happen again.”

Illumi’s hollowed eyes never left the road, but he seemed satisfied with their apology.

“Who wants chicken wings?” said Hisoka, almost immediately lightening the mood with a smile

Toshi mirrored his smile, golden eyes sparkling with joy. Shiyomi simply shrugged “Sure.”

-/-

The Zoldyck-Morrows occupied a seat in the corner of the family friendly establishment, a few seats away from the other customers, who glanced wearily at the gentlemen covered in skeletal remains and the two kids sitting in front of them.

“Shiyo, give your brother back his utensils.” said Illumi

Shiyomi reluctantly subdued her nen and dropped her brother’s knife and fork on the plate with a clang. Toshi paid them no heed, choosing to savor his Volcano Wings with his bare hands, getting sauce all over them. Illumi handed him one of the restaurant’s confectionary wipes to clean his greasy hands.

“Slob.” said Shiyomi.

“Show off.” he bit back, his words sounding muffled as he chewed on a bone.

“Toshi, don’t talk with your mouth full.” Hisoka scolded gently, nudging a glass of iced soda towards him.

Illumi’s plate of pickle fries was left clean, while Hisoka was chewing on half a meatball sub and some onion rings. It wasn’t often that they had joint missions in populated areas; more often than not, they would each take on their own respective contracts in different regions and continents, moving on to the next job they had to fulfill. It was only for the fact that business was slow that week, and the children had completed all their previous contracts a day before and Illumi had decided that this particular assassination could use an extra pair of hands.

After Silva and Zeno had conceded to taking on less assassinations than before, and with Kikyo being inconsolable due to the fact that all her children had left the house -aside from Milluki, who had no desire to go out into the field himself; preferring his day job as informant to the family assassination business, which he was quite good at. Illumi became the sole breadwinner out of all the Zoldyck children. Though Silva still refused to name him heir due to his continued belief that Killua WILL come back someday to assume his position as head of the family; despite Milluki constantly telling them he had been trotting around the globe with Gon and Alluka, going on adventures and helping people (“Idiot.” Milluki had hissed).

It was this fact of the matter that had led them to reluctantly approve of Illumi’s marriage to Hisoka (one that started out as a murder contract that got continuously prolonged). Though his colorful clothes and eccentric demeanor had irked them, his resume was quite impressive; Hunter, occasional partner-in-murder, floor master at Heaven’s Arena for quite sometime before he left in order to deceive and fight the leader of the Phantom Troupe. Who were they to turn down such a valuable asset to the Zoldyck Family Assassination Business?

Hisoka had turned out to be very useful indeed in helping Illumi with his contracts, of course they have been working together for quite sometime as he was Illumi’s longest and only “associate”, but it was the first time Silva or Zeno had actually seen the sheer power and knack for killing he possessed. And ever since they had little ones of their own to train and mold into perfect child assassins, the number of contracts had nearly tripled since they first started.

“So, was it an easy kill?” asked Shiyomi, adding more chilli flakes to her hot wings.

“The target didn’t put up much of a fight,” Illumi’s eyes darted to Hisoka for a split second “Though his undead nen army was another story.”

“Almost like he wanted to die,” noted Shiyomi

“Perhaps.” Illumi raised a hand to signal the server for the check.

“Dad! Did you see what I did to the guards standing by the elevator?” said Toshi excitedly. 

Hisoka grinned in glee “Yes, it was very creative of you to use the pulleys that way.”

“Don’t encourage him Hisoka,” chided Illumi  
“It’s unprofessional to leave such a mess in the wake of a job, assassins are supposed to lurk in the shadows and dispose of their targets discreetly.”

“Oh come now Illumi, you were young once. You had your fair share of messy kills and indulgent finishing-offs. Who’s to say they’re not allowed to have a little fun from time to time?”

Illumi huffed, pulling out his wallet to pay for the bill.

“Unless of course, you did all that just to impress me.” Hisoka leered, shamelessly eyeing Illumi like he wanted to devour him “In that case, I was very impressed.”

Illumi averted his gaze and rolled his eyes at Hisoka’s antics, though a hint of a blush could be seen on his pale skin if one looked hard enough.

“Eww, you’re being gross Dad.” Toshi complained

Shiyomi said nothing, her thoughts had seemingly drifted off into space. No doubt thinking of new ways to perfect her technique or improve her hatsu. It was during these times that her onyx eyes seemed to look exactly like her father’s; void of life and oddly entrancing.

“You won’t be saying that when you’re older,” Hisoka sing-songed

“I can hardly wait.” replied Toshi sarcastically.

The happy family left the diner not too long after, to the relief of most of the other customers who were eyeing them wearily. They had done enough high profile jobs in York New to be considered somewhat of a celebrity, especially amongst the mafia community. Regular people who saw them in public stared either because they knew about their deadly occupation or due to their odd looks.  
It was Hisoka’s idea to market them as the glamorous sort, associating with high profile rich folk and appearing in magazine spreads for organized crime. Something Illumi loathed at first, but soon grew to enjoy due to the influx of contracts they received afterwards.

The family of four returned to their mountaintop home, savoring the unconventional yet cozy lifestyle they had gotten so used to.

For now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up, we’ll be exploring more about Toshi and Shiyomi’s characters. Thank you to everyone who has read this story, for all the kudos and the comments. Also I’d love it if you sent in what you most want to know about the murder twins and I’ll try to answer in the comments!


	4. Obvious Difference of Power

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Toshi and Shiyomi are 7 years old in this chapter

_ 5 years earlier _

A little boy with sharp eyes and a pudgy face stood before a basin of water with a lily pad floating inside it. And on top of that lily pad was a single round-edged needle.

The boy’s face contorted into one of seriousness which only served to make him look more adorable.

“I can’t do it.” he wailed, stomping his feet for the fifth time that day.

“Yes you can, try again.” his father advised him.

He screwed his eyes shut as he tried to concentrate on getting the leaf and pin to move.

“It’s no use... Shiyomi’s already so much better at this than me.” 

“Toshi, do you know why Shiyomi is already so advanced in nen?”

“Because she’s a girl?” he tilted his head.

Illumi knelt down to face him “Wielding nen has nothing to do with one’s gender, you know that.”

Toshi pouted, plopping himself cross-legged on the floor. “Then why?”

“It’s because she practices everyday, something you haven’t been doing lately.” informed Illumi, reprimanding him slightly for his lack of interest in actually practicing nen. 

Of course Toshi was already leagues ahead of most children who started learning nen at his age. He could already showcase ten and ren. Though Illumi understood why he held such disdain for his twin sister, who was already on the path to forming her hatsu; something that delighted Hisoka.

“Can I try again tomorrow? I’m tired..” he whined

Illumi sighed, unable to resist saying no to his son even though he really should stop giving in to Toshi’s demands and actually get him to be disciplined in practicing nen.

“Fine, but we’ll start bright and early tomorrow. Okay?”

Toshi nodded enthusiastically, glad to finally be free of his hour of boredom-induced training.

Illumi carefully plucked the pin from the lily pad and stuck it in his vest with all the others. 

“How old were you when you started learning nen?” asked Toshi

“Eight.” replied Illumi

“Huh? Really?” Toshi’s eyes widened in surprise, clearly not expecting that.

“Yes, really.” said Illumi. “You’re already far ahead of me when I was your age.”

Illumi stood up and held his son’s hand as they walked towards the promenade, across the small wooden bridge that separated the training shed and the oriental gardens; filled with blooming sakura blossoms -like the ones in his family’s garden back home- and hemotropic butterflies -Hisoka’s favorite.

Toshi abruptly let go of his hand once he reached the cold hard tiles, sprinting in the direction of the other training room located indoors.

“Where are you going?” Illumi asked, though he had a feeling he knew the answer.

“To ask Shiyomi if she wants to play with me.” he flashed a toothy grin, jumping up the small step and racing towards the empty hallway.

Illumi chuckled, a hint of a smile appeared on his face; he wasn’t sure if he had gotten into that habit when the kids entered their lives or because of Hisoka’s own ever present grin.

Contrary to what people assumed, he had always wanted children of his own. Ones that he could nurture, love and protect. But most of all, train to uphold the legacy of the Zoldyck name. 

Flashbacks of his own training from his childhood would pop into his mind time and time again; reminding him that his father would disapprove of his parenting methods that were drastically different to how he was raised. Silva promptly told him on his last visit to the manor that he was getting too “soft” with his kids, saying that they will grow up weak and unbecoming. 

Maybe he was right, maybe they wouldn’t grow up to be as tough as him, or Killua for that matter. But as he watched Toshi sprint away with excitement in his steps, he found that he didn’t mind all that much. Not anymore.

-/-

Tiny Shiyomi Zoldyck sat crossed leg atop a silk throw pillow, her finger lifted into the air, tracing an invisible trail of nen that she could only see by activating gyo. Her motions formed an 8-figure as she continued to trace.

Her teacher and father, sat in front of her with his legs stretched out to the side; looking bored out of his mind.

She held the figure for a few more seconds before it dissipated into the air.

“Again,” he instructed. 

She retraced the number with her finger and watched as it grew larger and larger, as she did so, the metal particles that rested on the floor began to rise up and join the nen trail before slowly dropping back to the ground once it disappeared.

“I think that’s enough for today,” Hisoka stood up and stretched his arms like a pretzel, cracking his joints.

Shiyomi only hummed in agreement, walking towards the bookshelf stationed behind where her father stood, and started picking out hardcover titles.

“Aren’t you going to go out and play?” he asked, glancing at her from the doorway.

“I think I’ll stay here for a bit and perfect my technique.” 

“Suit yourself.” Hisoka shrugged, leaving his only daughter to her own devices.

When they first had the twins, it was no secret that Hisoka took an instant liking to Toshi; they were alike in many ways -both found joy in fighting strong opponents and had mischievously playful outlooks on life- and Toshi himself seemed to prefer spending time with him instead of Illumi. While Illumi would sooner cut his long luscious hair off than admit it, but they all knew Shiyomi was his favorite. The girl inherited his cold almost mechanical demeanor, with an almost obsessive need to excel in everything she does. She took the art of assassination and nen-wielding to a much more serious degree than her brother did. Which Hisoka found immensely boring. 

But as the universe would have it, Toshi turned out to be a manipulator while Shiyomi turned out to be a transmuter. Much to the chagrin of both their parents, who were hoping for the opposite. 

So now here they were, training their polar opposites whilst silently praying that the other doesn’t fuck up their future plans in any way. He really did need to check up on how Toshi’s training was going with Illumi, just in case.

Hisoka’s train of thought was halted by the very boy he was pondering about. He stopped a speeding Toshi by the shoulder as to not crash into him.

“Hey dad!” he said cheerfully, flashing a toothy grin

“Hello,” Hisoka smiled back at the boy “Done with training already?” 

Illumi was notorious for longer-than-usual training sessions. The man barely kept track of time when he it came to training their son, or anyone for that matter.

“Yeah, father said I could end early if I get a head start tomorrow,” he chuckled, “Is Shiyomi done?”

“Just finished, she’s in the study.” he replied

“Okay, thanks dad. Bye!” He zoomed past him and closed the door. Eager to spend time with his twin.

Shiyomi was sitting cross-legged at the antique cedar wood desk with black and golden etchings, head propped up on an arm as she read about the six types of nen and how each nen user could make use of other categories as long as they were still interconnected. 

Her study session was interrupted by a loud screech

“Shiyooo!” Toshi practically slid into the room like a boy on rollerskates, flopping himself unceremoniously on the silk pillow

“Shh!” she hushed him 

“Let’s play,” he said

“No Toshi, I’m reading.”

“But you always say that.” he whined petulantly

“That’s because I am.”

“Come on!” He uprighted himself and strolled over to the desk, perching his head at eye level with her gaze, though it was blocked by the thick leather bound book. 

“Don’t you ever get bored of reading all the time? I do.”

“No.” she replied

“I wanna play tag, oh! Or the Snake and the Mongoose, you love that game.”

“Not now Toshi, can’t you see I’m studying?”

Toshi groaned dramatically “You’re so boring.”

“You’re so annoying.” she glared from behind the book

Toshi stuck his tongue out at her and left to find something else to do. Maybe his dad still had a pack of cards lying around he could play with...

-/-

Illumi gasped, tilting his head back as Hisoka nuzzled and kissed his neck and planted his canines on a spot on his collarbone.

He abruptly lifted his husband’s chin up to face him at eye level “No marks. Nothing that can be seen by the children.”

“Oh believe me darling, it’s nothing they haven’t seen before.” Hisoka purred, tearing through flesh and lapping up the little drops of blood.

Illumi shoved him off “I’m serious.” he deadpanned

“So am I,” said Hisoka. “You’re not as good as you think you are at hiding evidence from our fits of passion you know?”

“Not all of us were fortunate to havea hatsu that can cover up marks and bruises.” He let his hands wander down Hisoka’s seemingly unmarred chiseled torso, over the pecs and broad shoulders sculpted by years of fighting.

“Texture surprise,” Hisoka noted “I don’t use it  that much.”

Illumi scoffed “You use it excessively.”

Hisoka hummed, he grasped Illumi’s hand halting its trail up his shoulder blades. He kissed the palm gently, admiring the shiny wedding band on his ring finger he presented him along with the contract all those years ago, before placing the hand on his cock.

“Let’s speed this up shall we? Wouldn’t want a certain dark haired child of ours to interrupt us again, would we?” he drawled, moaning as Illumi’s hand started to move up and down his member.

“No, I guess not.” Illumi admitted “He’s got the mental focus of a hummingbird. I blame you for that.”

“Why Illu,” Hisoka coated his fingers in lube and pressed them against Illumi’s entrance “He’s as much your child as he is mine. If anything I’d say we both had a hand in raising him this way. After all, it takes two to-.”

“Hisoka,” Illumi braced his hands in a chokehold on his partners neck, effectively silencing him “Just shut up and fuck me.”

They lay on their soiled wine-colored sheets, their bodies intertwined as they tried to steady their breaths after the particularly rough love making session they had that left both of them reeling moreso than usual. Maybe age was starting to get to them, they were definitely not as young as they used to be when they first started their little “give and take” arrangement.

“Darling,“ Hisoka breathed out “How has little Toshi’s nen been progressing thus far?”

Illumi glared at his husband, his black expressionless eyes narrowing in annoyance “Do you seriously have to ask about _that_ right now?” 

“Of course, now’s a better time as any.” he teased, sharp gold eyes glinting like a fox’s.

Illumi rolled his eyes and shoved Hisoka’s headoff from where it previously rested on his chest. Getting up, he cleaned himself up with a rag before making his way to the bathroom.

“If you must know, he’s been falling behind on his mastery of ten. He simply lacks the focus and determination needed to move forward.” he explains, ignoring the fact that Hisoka was staring at his ass the entire time.

“Maybe you should let me train him tomorrow, you know he’s always much more excited to learn when it’s with me.”

This time, Illumi turned to fully face his partner “No, we’ve talked about this Hisoka.” he said sternly “You are allowed to train him in combat, arsenal, stealth and anything else, but you are not to interfere with his nen training. Same goes for me and Shiyomi’s case.”

Hisoka let out a disgruntled sound, getting up from the bed and putting on a robe lying next to it.

Illumi went into the shower and started the water “Why would a Manipulator need a Transmuter to teach them nen when they could learn from one of their own?” he called out.

“When the Manipulator isn’t doing a very good job at making it fun!” Hisoka hollered back

Illumi chose not to grace him with a respond, instead he chose to enjoy the warm sensation of the bath water enveloping his body.

“Shiyomi’s not a walk in the park either you know.” Hisoka stated 

“While it’s true that she is ascending at a very rapid rate. She doesn’t challenge herself. It would take her years to even consider using that nen of hers to fight strong opponents, if all she does is read about it in theory.” he complained

This time Illumi did respond “I think it’s great that at least one of our children is taking their studies seriously.”

Hisoka grumbled something about how assassins were supposed to be known for their kills instead of their extensive knowledge on the history of weaponized politics, before he joined his husband in the bath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There’s a snip of smut in this chapter, but this was my first time writing it so I chickened out and cut it short. Maybe I’ll be brave enough to write a full-blown one in future chapters.


	5. Assassins Don’t Have Friends (Right?)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Killua tries to kidnap his niece and nephew; Shiyomi meets her first “acquaintance”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is! As promised I have some of the main four here but don’t worry, we’ll meet Gon, Kurapika, the Zoldycks and more soon enough. Enjoy!

When Killua Zoldyck heard that his brother, the man who manipulated him for most of his life with a needle implanted through the head, was raising children with Hisoka Morrow of all people, he knew he had to go see it with his own eyes.

Scaling up the entrance that looked way too similar to his own heavy gates back home, he thought it was a testament to just how obsessed his brother was with their family legacy.

He leaped off the edge and landed on the ground with a thud. No giant guard dogs, he noted. Guess not everything is the same.

Strolling through the forest-riddled grounds, he counted about 11 dismembered bodies. He thought that must be why security was so thin; Hisoka and Illumi just wanted volunteers for target practice.

Making his way towards the clearing, he spotted the entrance to the esteemed Zoldyck-Morrow estate. He’d been here only once before; to investigate the strange murders happening in a sequence around the small but quaint village in Azia on behalf of the Hunter’s Association.

He realized two things on that day; that Illumi was behind all the killings as he was trying to make up for the lack of human resources needed to carry out contracts so he thought he could lure them all to one spot and make his job easier. And that Illumi was married. To a killer pervert clown.

He’d known they were close, to a certain extent; despite Illumi insisting that assassins can’t have friends. The fact that the fucking hypocrite drilled that in his head and still had the audacity to wear matching croptops with his clown BFF is something Killua will never let him live down.

To say Killua was surprised would be an understatement; but it was more towards the fact that Illumi actually agreed to a marriage that would not result in any heirs for the Zoldyck family. Or so he thought.

And now here he was, sneaking into his brother’s home in an attempt to rescue their children to ensure that they live a happy, content life free of Zoldyck-branded torture and psychopathic tendencies.

He tried to open the door but it won’t budge. Huh. That was odd. The reports he gathered from the Hunter database said they always leave the door inside unlocked.

Luckily, he was able to go around back and infiltrate the mansion through the gardens.  
Once he made his way through the flora and fauna garnishing the bloody messes they had, he came across a little boy sitting on the grass holding a toy frog. He had eyes like Hisoka, and the face and hair of Illumi.

“Toshi...?” he asked who he could only assume was his name as they only had one son that he knew of. His female counterpart nowhere to be seen.

The boy perked up, finally noticing him from afar “Yeah, who’re you? I don’t think I’ve seen you here before.” his innocent gold orbs looked up at the towering form of Killua

Killua crouched down to face him at eye level “I’m Killua. Nice to meet you Toshi.”

Toshi’s eyes widened considerably as he realized who he was speaking to “Uncle Killua!” he went over and hugged Killua by his  
knees “Father talks about you all the time, he’s always wondering when you’ll come visit.”

“I bet he does...” Killua muttered irritably under his breath, careful not to let the boy hear. He quickly went back to business, the reason why he was there in the first place.

“Listen Toshi,” he kept his tone calm and his words simple so that the little boy could understand “I’m here to take you and your sister out of here. No more assignments, no more hurting people and no more long training hours. Sound good kiddo?”

Toshi’s radiant smile immediately turned into a pout “Aww but I like hurting people, they make the funniest sounds.” He laughed to himself

Killua blinked, he didn’t expect them to be this far gone. He was only a toddler for godsake.

“You might say that now but it’s actually really bad to hurt people Tosh,” he tried getting through to him “Now, I’m gonna need you to pack your things and then we’re leaving. Okay?”

“Okay, where are we going?”

“Somewhere far away from here.”

“Ookay, what time will we come back?”

“We won’t be coming back.”

“Why not?”

Killua stopped in his tracks “Do you... want to come back?” He asked, not quite believing his ears.

“Uh-uh, I don’t wanna miss dinner. Dad said we could have Strawberry Shortcake with Rainbow Sprinkles for desert tonight.”

“Oh. Well you know, if you go with me now, I’ll buy any other desert you want. Just name it.”

Toshi shook his head “I don’t want other deserts, I want Strawberry Shortcake with Rainbow Sprinkles.”

“Err... okay I’m sure we can find that. In the mean time, want some Chocorobots?”

“What are those?”

“There’s like little robots made out of chocolate. Here, try one.” he handed his nephew a few of his favorite candy. Not realizing that someone had been leaning against the pillar behind him, watching the whole exchange

“You know Killua, it’s rude to barge into someone’s home without notifying them first.” said a voice he was all too familiar with, even before they became... dare he say it, family.

“Hisoka...” he turned around expecting to see the bright haired magician looking like he got kicked out of the circus, when instead he was met with the odd sight of Hisoka in a maroon blazer and a salmon collared shirt underneath. He had a bit of eye make up on but his signature star and teardrop face paint were gone. Hisoka almost looked... normal

Was he gone for that long?

“Hello~ how is my favorite brother-in-law these days? Are you still travelling around the world with dear Gon?”

“None of your business...” he hissed

“Ooh... I think I hit a sore spot,” he smirked, inching closer like a panther would to his prey “What happened? Messy break up?”

“No!” he replied far too quickly “We just- well, we drifted apart that’s all. We wanted different things and- why am I even telling you this? You got no business knowing you stupid clown.”

“Harsh, and to think I welcomed you so warmly into our humble abode. I even let you treat Toshi to one of your Chocolate treats. I don’t usually let him take free stuff from strangers, there’s always an invisible price.” his gaze pierced through with intent and darkness raging within

“So tell me, what brings you here?” he asked, the hand that wasn’t holding a deck of cards was gestured at him.

“I thought you already knew, you were standing there the whole time weren’t you.”

“I do, but humor me.”

“I’m here to give Toshi a better home, he and Shiyomi are just kids. They deserve a normal life. Away from all this madness and senseless violence you and my brother seem to thrive in.”

Hisoka tilted his head contemplatively “And you think he wants to go with you?”

“Of course he does,”

“Didn’t he just say he wants to stay?”

“He’s just a kid.” Killua narrowed his eyes

“Now really Killua, how ignorant of you, disregarding the child’s freedom of choice. He has the right to choose how he wants to live his life you know, I suggest you respect his wishes.” Hisoka ended his counter argument with a smug grin on his face.

“You’re one to talk.” Killua spat “I doubt you or Illumi would give your children the freedom to choose anything that doesn’t involve murder or cruelty.”

“Oh you’d be surprised,” said Hisoka “Your dear older brother is not the same man that planted a needle in your head when you were a child.”

“I’ll believe it when I see it.” retorted Killua

Hisoka seemed to dismiss the whole terse exchange entirely when he visibly just realized that Toshi was still in the room with them, ignoring Killua’s existence.

“Toshi, my dear boy, lunch is almost ready. Would you like to help Daddy set up the table?”

He nodded enthusiastically. Walking away from the two adults with chocorobots in his tiny hands.

“I think that speaks for itself, did you come here for anything else?” asked Hisoka, a courtesy more than anything

Killua schooled his features, remaining barely fazed “No, that’d be all. I should go before I miss the 12 o’clock blimp ride to Swardani city.”

“Would you like me to relay the message to your brother? That you came by to visit? I’m sure he’d be thrilled to hear you did.”

“Do whatever you want,” Killua shrugged, placing his hands back in his pockets and strolling away

“Oh and do give my regards to Gon when you see him, he still owes me that fight.” Hisoka called out to him just as the gates slammed shut.

-/-

Present Day (a day after the Ochre Tower job)

Shiyomi Zoldyck had always preferred to work alone. Even on the occasional jobs that she had to work with her brother or her father, they would leave her to dispose of targets herself.

That was how she came to be at the abandoned warehouse just a way off from North Azia, tailing a con artist by the name of Jeopardy Jay, who was notorious for using his nen to create replicas of artifacts and sell them on the black market.

An easy target really, he did his work out in the open without any protection from others. She had expected a swarm of bodyguards or at least an accomplice. Though she second guessed herself as she spotted the presence of someone else in the warehouse, friend or foe she wasn’t sure.

Her instincts had told her to wait for the shadow of the only other person to leave the room before charging forward, but some unknown force was daring her to look closer.

The interloper turned out to be a girl, possibly around her age, wearing clothes that were much too colorful to be considered stealth ware. She had auburn hair that reached her shoulders and a green and white ensemble that was decorated in gold trimmings she’d never seen before. Must be a tribe thing.

Her target was busy counting the millions he had made off his latest deal, that was before he dropped to the floor after the being hit upside the head with a piece of drift wood.

Shiyomi blinked, not sure how to approach the situation. The girl had moved abnormally fast, she barely didn’t see it once the con man hit the floor. A careful application of zetsu; She was... mildly impressed to say the least.

Shiyomi emerged from the shadows like a tiger from its hiding spot “You stole my target,”

“Huh?” The girl, startled, nearly dropped her plank of driftwood

“That man,” she pointed “I was ordered to kill him by one of the men he tricked. He’s made quite a few enemies, as you may well be aware.”

The girl remained frozen in place, unsure what to say.

“He’s not dead yet by the way,” said Shiyomi, her voice sounded calm, cold and almost monotone, as if the words held no emotional weight. This thought passed through the girl’s head as she listened to the supposed hitman in front of her.

“I didn’t want to kill him,” she spoke hastily, for the first time. “He has something that isn’t his.”

Shiyomi, sat atop a crate full of fake artifacts, arched a brow “Oh, what would that be?”

The girl looked around before finding a piece of cloth draped over an unfamiliar object. She unveiled the cloth the reveal a pair of scarlet eyes and encased in a tube of liquid, frozen in time. Shiyomi recognized those eyes as those stolen from the Kurta clan all those years ago when their kind was wiped out. Though she was certain those weren’t it.

“These,” said the girl, carefully picking them up with such care and attention

“I’d hate to disappoint you, but those are fakes.”

“F-fakes?” the girl’s voice trembled, sounding panicked and almost agitated by the revelation.

“Mhmm...” Shiyomi nodded “You really should be more thorough in your research, if you’re hunting for those.” she stood up from the crate, unsheathed a metal spear from seemingly out of the blue, and stabbed the unconscious man right in the heart.

The girl dressed in green and gold visibly shuddered at the scene, obviously not used to such gore.

Shiyomi walked past the disheartened girl, sparing her one last glance

“And what about you?” The girl called after her retreating form

“What about me?”

“Who are you?”

“I told you, I’m the person who was ordered to kill him.”

“No, I meant your name.”

““Oh,” Shiyomi stopped “Now that, is classified information.”

“That’s not fair, at least give me your first name.”

Shiyomi blinked, unsure why that would change anything. But the girl followed after Shiyomi until she was standing face to face with her.

“I’m Mel, short for Melody Paladiknight.” she smiled, reaching a hand out that was only met with a hollow stare.

“Shiyomi.” she simply said, walking past her once again. This time without a second glance.

-/-

“How was the target?” asked her father, returning from his own assignment covered in spatters of blood. Nothing their family’s special laundry detergent couldn’t wash out.

“Dead. That was way too easy.” she chided, falling into step beside her father as they strolled through the forest they called their front yard

“Would you rather I had sent Toshi to deal with him instead?”

“No, he would’ve attracted too much unwanted attention.”

“Exactly my point,” said Illumi, a frown gracing his face when he noticed a patch of his hair was covered in the target’s blood. He hated when that happens.

“Anything interesting happened on the job today?” he asked

Shiyomi remained silent for a long while, considering whether she wanted to lie or tell him what really happened.

She settled for the latter, there was no use lying about something so minor.

“I met a girl today, she was hunting down the target too. But it was because she thought he had stolen a real artifact.”

“A girl?” echoed Illumi “Anyone we know?”

“No,” replied Shiyomi “I think her name was Mel something. Her last name was a bit obscure, I’ve completely forgotten it.”

“Should we consider her a threat to future assignments?” her father’s voice took on an almost deadly edge, though no one who didn’t know him well could have picked up on it.

“No, she was only after one thing. The scarlet eyes of the Kurta clan. Didn’t say why.” Shiyomi shrugged

They stayed silent through the whole walk back. Illumi felt the gears turning in his head, he had a wild guess as to who it was that Shiyomi encountered.

-/-

“I’m home!”

Mel creaked open the door to the quaint little cozy home in the small suburbs located in the outskirts of Swardani city. A convenient place to live considering who lived in it.

“Dad? Pops?” she called out into the empty living room. It was spacious enough to accommodate gatherings of ten to twenty people; despite both her parents not having any biological family left to visit. Their house was often a place where friends and business partners came over to meet and catch up with one another from time to time. For Mel, they were as good as family.

“Hey kiddo! Back so soon?” a voice boomed from a room tucked away in the corner of the house but just near enough to the living room.

Mel popped in to find her father hunched over a desk, still in a white coat with a stethoscope around his neck, tidying up the last bit of his paperwork.  
Her eyes lit up when she recognized the voice, as it wasn’t rare for her father to come home from hospital shifts earlier than most because he was lucky enough to not receive night shifts all together. Everyone knew Dr. Paladiknight was a family man at heart.

“Yeah, just thought I’d go on a little collectors quest.” she said “Didn’t find anything though, sadly.” Mel pouted, sitting down on the sofa adjacent from the towering book case her father kept in his study.

“That’s okay Mels, not every quest you try to seek out ends up becoming some grand adventure.” said Leorio, unclasping his stethoscope handles and placing them on a hatrack. “Sometimes you end up with a lotta dead ends and that’s perfectly normal.”

“Yeah but,” Mel sighed, a downturn look on her face “I was really hoping to make Dad’s job a lot easier. He’s already done so much.”

“I know kid, I know.” Leorio patted his daughter’s shoulder comfortingly “I’m just glad he’s actually happy with most of what he’s accomplished and is not working himself to death because, mind you he had quite the habit of doing thar literally.”

Mel had heard all about her Dad’s pitfalls and struggles; from being the sole survivor of the Kurta clan massacre at the hands of the Phantom Troupe and vowing revenge on his brethren, to almost losing himself on his quest for revenge, and becoming who he is today. A hunter that specializes in documenting and preserving the remnants of the Kurta clan’s culture and history from memory and from the very few artifacts left in the world. That was in no small part thanks to his dear friends Gon, Killua and most importantly his partner Leorio, who was just happy to see Kurapika smiling again and taking care of his wellbeing more.

“Speaking of, when is Dad coming home?” Mel asked

“He actually called me right before you came back, says he’s almost done sorting out internal matters at the Hunter’s Association and that he’ll be home soon.”

“That’s great!” Mel’s mood immediately lifted at the news “I can’t wait to tell you and Dad all about the new friend I made at this old warehouse. She’s... a bit strange, but really cool. I’m hoping I’ll get to see her again.”

Leorio chuckled “I’m sure he’d love to hear all about it over dinner, now come over here and help me whip out a batch of my world-famous Paladiknight Pesto Pasta.”

-/-

Meanwhile around the same time, the older patrons of the Zoldyck-Morrow mansion were contemplating a very serious discussion.

“Illumi, I can hear you from over here.” Hisoka nudged his calf

Illumi blinked “I didn’t say anything.”

“But you were thinking it.”

“Oh so now you claim to be able to read my mind.”

“Don’t get smart with me.”

Illumi huffed, turning over in his bed so that he didn’t have to face Hisoka

“Illu, I don’t understand why you’re getting so worked up about this. It’s really not that large of a problem.”

Illumi sighed “You realize that now she’s made a friend. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Assassins aren’t supposed to have friends.”

“Darling I think we’re way past trying to prove how utterly wrong you are about that.” Hisoka smirked, licking his lips “Have you looked in a mirror lately?”

Illumi stared at him in confusion “Is there something wrong with my face?”

“I didn’t mean that literally.” Hisoka deadpanned.

“Oh.” said Illumi, realizing his husband’s figure of speech “Again, that proves my point. I made you the only exception to that rule and look where we are now.”

“Happily married for a good 15 years and counting.” Hisoka interrupted him cheekily, with a dramatic wave of the hand where the shiny gold band rested; proof of their murder-marriage contract.

“She’s 12. She shouldn’t be making friends at this age. She should focus on honing her skills as an assassin before she tries to find someone she can kill and marry if she sees fit.” Illumi explained, though he silently prayed it wouldn’t come to that; if his earlier guess was right, then they’d be dealing with _those_ two again and he did not have the patience necessary to deal with them again.

Hisoka threw his head back in fits of uncontrollable laughter which only served to annoy Illumi more “You Zoldycks and your unconventional ways of viewing human relationships are always so entertaining!”


	6. Keeping Up With The Zoldycks (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Illumi takes Hisoka and the twins to visit his family. Shennanigans ensue.

At the break of dawn, Illumi opened his eyes to find the other side of the bed empty. He let out an exasperated sigh, he knew this would happen.

This time Hisoka had made it further than he ever had before, his hair combed, face made up, and dressed for a quick escape. Just as he was inching to twist the handle, his husband appeared; blocking the door. Clearly unamused by the morning mishap.

Hisoka flashed a saccharine smile “Ah, Illumi. What a pleasant surprise, I was just about to go on an early stroll. Would you care to join me?”

“Drop the act, it didn’t work last time and it’s not going to work today.” retorted Illumi, crossing his arms.

Hisoka pinched the bridge of his nose 

“Darling, you know I adore you. And I know how much you claim to love your family, but I genuinely cannot stand being in the same room with them for even a second!”

Illumi blinked, obviously he’s heard this particular lament from Hisoka more times than he can count.

“They clearly dislike me. And you, for starters.” he pointed out “They treat our children like show dogs on a runway. It’s repulsive!”

Illumi was unfazed, his dark eyes were indifferent and firm. “Then I guess you’ll have to deal with it, since there’s no getting out of it.” He briskly walked past Hisoka, determined to change out of his robe and into one of his more glamorous pin-infested outfits.

Hisoka rubbed his temple, pushing back some of his striking red hair away from his forehead and followed Illumi’s retreating form. He’d long since given up trying to convince the Zoldyck to abandon his family’s ideals.

He may be a magic man, but not even he could change more than 20 odd years of Zoldyck parenting and doctrine. It was a miracle he got Illumi to move out in the first place.

In a different room, the twins were plotting their own plan for the visit to the extended family. 

Shiyomi was lying on Toshi’s four-poster bed, staring at the ceiling. “God I can’t believe we’re going on another ‘family outing’ today. This weekend was supposed to be fun.”

Toshi, barely listening to his sister’s complaints, lifted up two elaborate shirts. One was a blood red vest with black trimmings and the other was a purple ensemble with long sleeves and pockets deep enough to hide his cards.

“Red or purple?”

“Purple. You gotta be ready for anything those sickos will throw at you.” Shiyomi realized the irony of that statement, considering the family she was brought up in. But the Zoldycks were on a whole other level.

“Would’ya stop being such a downer? You know they’re not so bad.”

“Are you kidding me? They are literally the worst. Remember last time when Dad nearly threw hands with grandpa? Or when they tried to trick father into moving back in with them?”

“Okay yes, that was messed up. But forgive and forget I say. Besides, Grandma makes killer cookies.”

Literally,  Shiyomi thought. Lucky for them Toshi loved Grandma Kikyo’s signature almond-baked cookies laced in cyanide.

Shiyomi huffed, throwing a pillow at the wall in frustration. 

“Could you at least pretend to be excited about it? You know it makes father sad when we try to avoid getting out of these family gatherings. At least do it for him.” said Toshi. Shiyomi hated when Toshi actually made sense, which wasn’t all that rare.

“Fine. But if Grandma tries to stuff me in a kimono, I will hop on the first airship Dad booked to get out of that crazy place.”

-/- 

The car ride to the Zoldyck mansion was as turbulent as any other; Toshi was once again reminded of why his father isn’t allowed to drive all that often. It didn’t help that prior to their departure, they had to track down Hisoka -and Shiyomi, evidently- and drag them to the car; making them 15 minutes late. Illumi was not happy.

Setting foot on Zoldyck soil has never been easy. Mostly because of the 10 ton gates that towered over visitors whenever they made it up Kukuroo Mountain.

Neither Hisoka, and most definitely not Illumi ever had trouble getting in through the heavy front gates. But it was always a joy to watch the two younglings struggle to pry them open.

“Cut it out Shiyo! I’m going first.”

“No way, you went first last time. It’s my turn to open them.”

“Shut up, you can’t even get past gate three!”

“That was you doofus.”

Hisoka laughed aloud, the first time they had tried to open the famous Zoldyck testing gates ended up with both twins unable to move the first gate even by an inch. Now they were nearing the third and possibly even the fourth gate.

Though they did manage to make the fourth gate budge a bit, the struggle was taking too long for Illumi’s liking.

“That’s enough of that, we’re already late as it is.” said Illumi firmly. He walked past the two squabbling kids and proceeded to open all seven testing gates with what looked like minimal effort, from years of practice and experience.

“I could’ve done that.” Hisoka huffed.

“You would’ve stalled. On purpose.” Illumi deadpanned, strutting down the middle of the entrance he had just opened.

Stepping into the forest grounds of Zoldyck Manor, Hisoka was half-expecting their welcome to be greeted by Mike, the loyal guard dog of the family. The pup Illumi himself trained until he grew into a ginormous deadly -but still lovable- protector, but instead they were met by one of Hisoka’s least favorite Zoldyck.

His mother in-law.

“Illumi, darling, oh it’s been so long since you came home.” Kikyo wailed, her visor reflecting the sunlight, as she ran towards her eldest.

“My apologies mother.” Illumi replied, stiff as ever. “Work has been... less than ideal.”

“That’s fine. You’re here now, at the very least.” she patted his cheek and straightened his dark purple top. “Hopefully this means you’ll get to visit more often than-“

“Kikyo, it’s a pleasure to see you again.” Hisoka flashed his pearly whites and tried to keep the sarcasm out of his tone 

“Wish I could say the same.” said Kikyo coldly. He could feel her eyes narrowing from behind the blinking red dot.

“Now, now. We’re family aren’t we?” said Hisoka with a mischievous glint that made Kikyo despise him even more.

The animosity disappeared however when she saw favorite grandchildren (her only grandchildren) standing a good distance behind the annoying clown.

“Shiyomi, Toshi. Come greet your grandmother.” said Illumi, an unspoken  _ now _ at the end of it.

Toshi practically skipped over to where she was standing, while Shiyomi reluctantly trailed behind him.

“Hi grandma Kikyo!” Toshi chirped “Say, is that a new visor? it sure brings out your eye.”

Shiyomi elbowed him in the ribs.

“Ow! Eyes.” he corrected, glaring at his sister who seemed unperturbed.

Kikyo beamed at the compliment, completely ignoring the last remark. “Oh how flattering. Yes, I had the butlers hunt this one out in a boutique in York New.” 

“My how you children have grown! Seems like just yesterday you were shorter than a katana. And now look at you!” she pinched their cheeks hard enough to stop blood from flowing. Toshi smiled his best ‘charm the hell out of grandma so she’ll get me more cyanide cookies” grin. While Shiyomi hissed like a cat at the contact.

“Come now, dinner’s almost done. I had the butlers set the table earlier.” she ushered for them to follow as they walked towards the main house.

Shiyomi ran ahead of her twin to walk beside the only other person who wasn’t thrilled to be there.

“How much longer before we can leave?” she said, scowling for all to see.

“Depends.” was Hisoka’s curt reply.

“On what?”

“How utterly drab the family dinner will be.” 

Despite the fact that they were both transmuters, Hisoka and his daughter rarely agreed on anything. Though, a disdain for family time with the Zoldyck was one thing they had in common. 

“And how do you plan on leaving? Is there a blimp waiting.” she asked, a hint of hopefulness trickling down.

“On the contrary,” he pulled a card out from his sleeve and tossed it to Shiyomi, the latter catching it in midair.

She turned it over, recognizing the design and special ability the card possessed “Where did you get this? There’s no way you could’ve gone into Greed Island. That game got discontinued 12 years ago.”

“I have my ways,” Hisoka shrugged “I had an old friend procure it for me.”

“You have friends?” she scoffed.

“More like acquaintance who owes me a favor.” he sighed.

“Alright, I’ll bite. So when can we leave?” 

“When your father has his back turned of course, which doesn’t seem very likely at the moment.” he lifted his gaze to land on Illumi walking ahead of them, Kikyo rambling in his ear about having a hard time wrestling Milluki out of the house. He was doing his best to respond appropriately to his mother’s woes while watching his husband like a hawk.

“Do you want me to create a distraction?” asked Shiyomi.

“Sure, why not.” Hisoka replied cooly “I heard Silva and Kikyo just ordered a new set of silverware from East Gorteau. That should be fun for you.”

Shiyomi couldn’t help but grin in anticipation.

All should be fine, she just had to survive long enough to make her escape.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not done with this chapter, but I just wanted to post it since it’s been so long since I last updated. Sorry about that, I’ve been busy working on this podcast I have called Fandom On The Phone. A show where me and a friend talk about shipping, writing fanfics and all kinds of Fannish things. So if that’s something you’re interested in, maybe go check it out @fan_onthephone (ig) or listen to it on Spotify. 
> 
> Anyways, I shall continue on writing this fic! Don’t worry, I won’t leave again (hopefully).
> 
> There’s going to be a part 2 for this so stay tuned!

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know your thoughts, I already have some chapters planned out but feel free to reach out if you have a specific scenario or prompt in mind. I’m open to suggestions! 😁


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